Are you a love addict?

Grazia: Relationships
Seeking solace at Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, Petrina Kashoggi was the first celebrity to openly admit being a love addict. But love addiction is more common than many of us would like to admit, says ANASTASIA STEPHENS click here to read

The real reason you can’t loose weight
Grazia: Health
Canadian researchers have just found that caffeine, far from aiding weight loss, may actually encourage the body to turn sugar in the blood to fat. ANASTASIA STEPHENS investigates other hidden barriers to weight-loss - and explains how you can break through them
click here to read

Are you a love addict?

Grazia: Relationships

Seeking solace at Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, Petrina Kashoggi was the first celebrity to openly admit being a love addict. But love addiction is more common than many of us would like to admit, says ANASTASIA STEPHENS.

Do you jump from one unfulfilled relationship to another, or feel unable to walk away from a troubled relationship? Whichever you may be, the one thing that unites love addiction is the desperate fear of being alone. Sadly, the last thing that most love addicts achieve is what they long for the most: a truly intimate and contented relationship.

‘With love addicts, we often find that one or both parents were emotionally unavailable to them as children,’ says Steve Lanzet director of Life Works, a treatment centre for sex and love addiction. ‘They weren’t given the love or stability they needed, so they find it hard to love themselves. As adults, they feel they need someone to make them ‘lovable.’ Sadly, they often choose partners that are also unavailable.’

Breaking the cycle involves identifying your emotional patterns in the past and present, learning to love yourself and not accepting anything less than genuine intimacy. Here one woman speaks about how she broke free of the chains of love addiction.

I WAS A LOVE ADDICT …

40-year-old Jane Bradfield, remained with her husband, Dan, for seven years despite evidence of continuous affairs. The mother of two, James, 8 and Sam, 10, says:

Even when I walked down the aisle, 11-years ago, aged 29, I was worried Dan might not show up at the altar and I’d be humiliated in front of our 200 guests. Part of me just didn’t trust him, even back then. If only I knew he’d turn out to be a sex addict, sleeping with dozens of women and call-girls throughout our seven year marriage. And me, a love addict? I’d never have believed it.

So when I saw Dan at the church, out of the car window, a surge of relief pulsed through me. I’d been the one to push him into getting engaged and when he put a ring on my finger, he seemed reluctant, as if he didn’t really want to do it. But I was so desperate to be married - to feel complete – that I ignored this sign, and others.

Long before our engagement, when we were dating, Dan we was very hard to contact by phone. Sometimes, I’d go to his flat and work out why – all his phones would be unplugged. On business trips, I’d call him at hotels and eight times out of ten, the line would be engaged. The usual story was that his computer was plugged into the phone socket. Often, he’d be late back from work.

Ignoring suspicious signs …

These strange anomalies continued after our marriage and after the birth of our two sons, James and Sam. Sometimes he’d say he was going out to play golf; but he’d be dressed for dinner. If I ever confronted him – and I did, often - he’d turn the accusations back on me, calling me paranoid and crazy. He even talked to my parents about my ‘delicate state of mind’. He was very manipulative, a master at covering up for his double life.

But I stuck by Dan through thick and thin. After all, he fulfilled all the criteria I was raised to think of as ideal. He was a good-looking, financially successful sales-executive and very charming. We enjoyed each-others company, played sports together and loved camping in the countryside. He was a family man and a great father. But the bottom line was, I needed him to feel complete.

Looking back, I see I was conditioned to think superficial values would make me happy. Money and appearances were all important to my mother, a middle-class socialite, who I later realised had an alcohol problem. As a family we had to ‘look good,’ wear the right clothes, go to the right school and live in a big house – these were seen as the keys to happiness. My mother would often parade me and my two sisters around, playing happy families, showing off about our school-grades or abilities. We were never encouraged to talk about our real emotions or listen to our intuition.

My marriage to Dan was a mirror of these values. We looked good and led an affluent life, but underneath, we were living on emotional eggshells. While I was sure Dan was having affairs, and he was – at some level, I thought it was all I deserved. At night, I’d lie awake, consumed with thoughts about what he was doing on business trips. I’d go through his wallet, and phone-bills, obsessed with finding concrete evidence.

Facing the facts

He covered his tracks successfully for years, until, in Autumn 1999, I found a napkin in his pocket with a scrawled note, saying ‘I think you’re really cute.’ He said a group of women at work had played a joke on him. Then, one night, just before Christmas, the phone rang in the middle of the night. It was the husband of a woman he was having an affair with, screaming down the phone. That was it: he’d finally been caught.

Later, I was told by an ex-colleague of Dan’s that he’d had dozens of affairs and slept with call-girls. It was devastating, but a god-send. Emotionally broken, I went to see a therapist and my work with her made see that he wasn’t my soul mate. Eventually, I found the courage to file for a divorce which came through four years ago.

Therapy helped me see I’d been a ‘love addict’ – chronically dependent on an unfulfilling relationship. I was terrified of being on my own – I longed to be normal and look good. Outside, nobody would know, but on the inside, I’d always felt sad, lonely and scared. I never thought much of myself. I saw my marriage to Dan as a way to boost my self-esteem.

Now I have looked at myself, my beliefs; have learned to truly love myself and stand up for my values. Leaving Dan was the best thing I could have done for my children – instead of worrying about what Dan is doing, I can put my energy into them.

Today I listen to my intuition and my heart – I feel that gives my life meaning and I can feel happy, even on my own. Six months ago, I started dating someone. I listened to my gut feeling and knew I could trust him. Unfortunately, it ended as there were other issues we didn’t connect on.

But, for once, I really trusted my judgement. Will I every remarry? One day, yes, I hope so. But only if I find a man with whom I can enjoy true, honest companionship.

ARE YOU A LOVE & RELATIONSHIP ADDICT?

• You try to control restrict your partner’s social life or behaviour because you fear they will abandon you; you let them restrict your social life

• Your partner’s opinion of you easily affects your self-esteem

• When your partner is happy you are happy; when they’re sad, you are sad

• You’ve considered suicide when someone rejected you or showed their disapproval

• You cant make a move in your own life without asking for your partner’s approval

• You need a boyfriend to feel complete, whole, balanced and secure. When you’re alone you feel empty and in pain

• Your love is conditional – you think ‘if I do the right thing, I’ll get what I want’

• You want to love and be loved but can’t be truly close through fear of rejection

The real reason you can’t loose weight

Grazia: Health

Canadian researchers have just found that caffeine, far from aiding weight loss, may actually encourage the body to turn sugar in the blood to fat. ANASTASIA STEPHENS investigates other hidden barriers to weight-loss - and explains how you can break through them.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: YOU'RE STRESSED AND ANGRY
According to studies at the University of Texas, the effect of stress and held-in anger is to upset blood-sugar balance, increase appetite and cravings for sugary snacks. 'One of the functions of the stress-hormone cortisol is to provide energy,' explains Dr Jane Flemming, London-based GP. 'Initially, it causes a blood sugar surge and appetite suppression. But then blood sugar levels plummet and you're left hungry and needing to eat.'

WHAT TO DO? Cut out high-energy sugary snacks, replacing them with high-fibre alternatives such as nuts or carrots. Work out: exercise reduces cortisol levels fast and effectively. Drink chamomile or passion-flower tea – essential oils in these herbs reduce anxiety and tension. Each day make down-time for yourself to relax and revitalise.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: CAFFEINE IS DISRUPTING YOUR INSULIN
New research suggests that caffeine may prevent weight loss by playing havoc with blood sugar. In studies, scientists at Queens University in Ontario, Canada, found that caffeine reduced insulin sensitivity by around a third. 'Insulin carries sugar from blood into cells where it is burned as energy,' explains Patrick Holford, leading nutritionist and founder of the Institute for Optimum Nutrition. 'Reduced insulin sensitivity means insulin stops working efficiently. Sugar builds up in the blood. And, because it isn't burned as energy, it gets stored as fat.'

WHAT TO DO? Eliminate all dietary caffeine by cutting down on black and green tea, coffee, chocolate and energy drinks over seven days. This eases cravings and withdrawal symptoms such as grumpiness, impaired concentration and headaches.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: FERTILITY HORMONES ARE OUT OF SYNCH
If diets don't seem to work and you've got acne and abnormal hair growth around your chin and upper lip, your weight-loss block may be due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). 'The condition is associated with excess oestrogen and testosterone and imbalances of progesterone,' says Dr Geeta Nargund, fertility expert at St Georges NHS Trust. 'Many patients also have weight gain around the middle, which they find hard to loose.'

WHAT TO DO? Seek a medical diagnosis. Treatment to balance hormones may include the female contraceptive pill and anti-diabetes medication. Reduce the effects of excess oestrogen - eat foods rich in phytoestrogens such as soya beans and pulses such as lentils and chick-peas and increase levels of exercise.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: YOU DONT SNACK ENOUGH
Binge-bust diets such as Liz Hurley's post-pregnancy strategy of eating one big meal a day then starving, burn fat fast, but in time, they act as a weigh-loss block. That's because your body responds to sustained periods of hunger by switching to 'fat-storage mode.' Ironically, eating little and often may be far better. Researchers in the UK and South Africa compared people eating equivalent calories in three big meals a day to those who ate five to six small meals a day. Those who snacked not only lost weight, but their cholesterol levels fell and their appetite went down by around 27pc.

WHAT TO DO? Eat until you feel satisfied but not full or bloated whenever you feel peckish. Pick healthy snacks such as nuts, fruit, carrots, and health bars. These will keep your blood-sugar levels fairly constant, eliminating hunger pangs. Avoid chocolate bars, crisps or wheat and pastry snacks which give you a sudden sugar surge followed by a sudden dip.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: A LAZY THYROID
If you've put on up to a stone in weight gradually over a year, feel exhausted and have noticed your hair thinning, you could be one of up to 9pc of women with an underactive thryoid. 'The thyroid gland releases thyroxine, a hormone that regulates metabolism and weight,' says London GP, Dr Jane Flemming. 'When the gland begins secreting too little thyroxine, or your body builds up resistance to the thryroxine you already have, you put on weight.' The weight persists largely because sufferers also feel lethargic and tired.

WHAT TO DO? If you're diagnosed with the condition, prescription thyroxine tablets will aid weight loss. For women with mild forms of the condition, supplements containing iodine-rich seaweed can help boost thyroxine levels. According to Cherie Calbom, nutritionist and author of The Coconut Diet, lauric acid in coconut oil helps to restore thyroid healthy function.

WEIGHT-LOSS BLOCK: YOU'RE ON A LOW FAT DIET
According to nutritionist Patrick Holford, sugary, low fat 'diet foods,' far from helping weight loss, actually encourage weight gain. 'Many dieters think low fat is good – so substitute with sugar. But excess sugar is more likely to turn to fat in the body than fat.'

WHAT TO DO? Aim to eat a diet containing 30pc protein, 30pc fat and 40pc carbohydrate, as advised by nutritionist for good health. 'Make sure the 30pc fat you eat is 'good' fat,' says Holford. 'Oily fish, nuts, seeds and coconut oils all contain fats that help brain and hormonal function. Fats in coconut oil and fish oil actively encourage weight loss. Cut out sugar-containing foods and replace refined with complex carbohydrates such as wholegrain bread and brown rice.'






All content is © Anastasia Stephens or else reproduced with the permission of the copyright holder. No challenge to the respective trademarks or copyright of Associated Newspapers, Bauer, Hachette Filipacchi, Express Newspapers, Independent News & Media, Emap Consumer Media or Trinity Mirror is intended or should be inferred.